Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
