I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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