Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
