All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
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He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
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But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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