i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
