I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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