I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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