She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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