you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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