You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.