I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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