I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
