Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
