Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Shame - the story of my life.
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