The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
