nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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