I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
