I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
