do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
