Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Randomize
