How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Randomize
