If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
