It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
