There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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