I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
how drunk are you?
Several
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
