So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
