why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
