i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
