i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I am one with the molecules
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
