I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
