Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
