I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
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I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
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Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
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