I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
We talked him into tasing himself.
you had me at cake vodka
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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