Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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