fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
