I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
