so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
and you fell through a lawn chair
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
