I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
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What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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