It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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