My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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