i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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