when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
