gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
