Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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