dude i'm inner monologue high
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
