i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
