Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
