This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
i think we sleep fucked last night...
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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