Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
