I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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