I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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