My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
