She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
