saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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