This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
